Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Not Posting
This is my quick trial run bc blogger has not let me post anything in a long friggin time.
Friday, January 21, 2011
MEAN GIRLS 101
DEFINITION: "Mean Girls" by my definition are "Girls, or Women who insult, bully, or otherwise torment strangers, friends or acquaintances without the use of physical violence." I have lived among these fearsome beasts and watched them in action. I have studied their ways as an undercover "Mean Girl" researcher. The first thing I learned in my expedition is how to spot a mean girl. These terrifying creatures look like most other women. They can be beautiful, wealthy, charming, and may often appear kind and friendly. These women travel in gaggles. It is rare to cross paths with a lone Mean Girl in that their powers are useless without their comrades. Look for groups of 2-4 women who seem to be amused with no obvious amusing things around, they will be sharing sideways glances with each other, and yes...probably making fun of you without you knowing.
MEANGLISH: "Mean Girls" use normal sentences to seem friendly while attempting to mock you. The following are some examples of what mean girls say, and what they mean.
1. "You cut your hair...Do you like it?" What she means is, "You cut your hair and you look horrible, but I'm curious if you think it actually looks good"
2. "Wow, you really want another kid?" What she means is, "You are doing a really crappy job with the kids you already have and have no business procreating EVER again.
3. "I was just talking to (Insert name here) about how we need to get together sometime". What she means is "I was just talking to (Insert name here) about you.
4. "Your house is cozy" What she means is, "Your house is tiny".
5. Pointing at your child says "Is Jeremy feeling okay today?" What she means is..."Jeremy's gooey green nose is making me want to hurl and either you need to take care of that, or go elsewhere"
6. "That's swell". What she means is, "That pisses me off, but I'm too chickenshit to say how I really feel because my gaggle isn't here to protect me".
Technically most compliments given by a mean girl are backhanded compliments or sarcastic in nature. To a nice girl, the insult is invisible, but to a fellow Mean Girl, they know what you really meant, (hence the sideways glances)and they will probably be talking about it the second you walk away. In fact your response could potentially be an inside joke they have to make fun of you for years to come. Now, you may be thinking, "That is so mean", my response is...Mean Girls are called Mean Girls for a reason.
So once you have identified a mean girl what do you do? You can confront them, ignore them, or try and convince yourself that they really aren't that bad. If you identify with any of the aforementioned statements and intentions then you are a Mean Girl and it is time to change. There is nothing wrong with joking about things. Jabbing and mocking can also be used in real friendships providing they are mutual.
CONCLUSION: "Mean Girls" are everywhere. They are at church, they are at school, and they may be excluding you, insulting you, and making your life a living hell. If at all possible avoid such girls. If you feel the need to confront a Mean Girl isolate them from their gaggle and express your feelings. Even mean girls have hearts, they just shrink when their posse is nearby.
MEANGLISH: "Mean Girls" use normal sentences to seem friendly while attempting to mock you. The following are some examples of what mean girls say, and what they mean.
1. "You cut your hair...Do you like it?" What she means is, "You cut your hair and you look horrible, but I'm curious if you think it actually looks good"
2. "Wow, you really want another kid?" What she means is, "You are doing a really crappy job with the kids you already have and have no business procreating EVER again.
3. "I was just talking to (Insert name here) about how we need to get together sometime". What she means is "I was just talking to (Insert name here) about you.
4. "Your house is cozy" What she means is, "Your house is tiny".
5. Pointing at your child says "Is Jeremy feeling okay today?" What she means is..."Jeremy's gooey green nose is making me want to hurl and either you need to take care of that, or go elsewhere"
6. "That's swell". What she means is, "That pisses me off, but I'm too chickenshit to say how I really feel because my gaggle isn't here to protect me".
Technically most compliments given by a mean girl are backhanded compliments or sarcastic in nature. To a nice girl, the insult is invisible, but to a fellow Mean Girl, they know what you really meant, (hence the sideways glances)and they will probably be talking about it the second you walk away. In fact your response could potentially be an inside joke they have to make fun of you for years to come. Now, you may be thinking, "That is so mean", my response is...Mean Girls are called Mean Girls for a reason.
So once you have identified a mean girl what do you do? You can confront them, ignore them, or try and convince yourself that they really aren't that bad. If you identify with any of the aforementioned statements and intentions then you are a Mean Girl and it is time to change. There is nothing wrong with joking about things. Jabbing and mocking can also be used in real friendships providing they are mutual.
CONCLUSION: "Mean Girls" are everywhere. They are at church, they are at school, and they may be excluding you, insulting you, and making your life a living hell. If at all possible avoid such girls. If you feel the need to confront a Mean Girl isolate them from their gaggle and express your feelings. Even mean girls have hearts, they just shrink when their posse is nearby.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"The Hard Way"
"Ma'm, be careful the plate's hot"...."I will not touch the plate, I will not touch the plate, I will not....There's no way that plate is hot enough to warrant a verbal warning, it's not even steaming...I will not touch the plate, I will not touch the plate...I bet it isn't really THAT hot...I will not touch the plate...I will not touch the...I'm totally gonna prove this hillbilly waitress wrong...Son of a bitch!! That plate is Hot!"
There are many ways to learn things in life. You can read about things in books, you can study them on the internet, you can ask people questions, you can observe other people's choices and ponder where they have succeeded or failed, or you can just make all the mistakes for yourself and learn things the hard way. I am that last one. When I was growing up my mother would call me "Create a Crisis" (that's right mom, I remember that!)because there was always some crisis surrounding me that needed fixing. She was right, I created a bunch of drama for myself and those around me often. The bad thing about learning things the hard way is that it generally hurts. It either hurts emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, or spiritually. The good news is, you really learn the lesson. There is no thinking you are the exception to the rule, you are the rule, and the rule hurts like a bitch. I have decided to write a list of a few things I have learned the hard way. Each thing is literal and I will do my best not to exaggerate anything. The list will begin from when I was about 8 and end as of today. Remember...these first few are from when I was a kid.
1. Shaving the hair off your belly will not keep it from coming back, despite what your sister says, in fact the few scraggily hairs you had in the first place will be replaced by blanket of course wolf-like fur.
2. When cutting a sucker stick off a sucker with craft scissors, first remove sucker from mouth, otherwise you when the stick finally snaps, the scissors won't stop but will continue through the lips. Oh, and mouth wounds bleed alot.
3. You may think you are being clever and crafty by manipulating people to do your chores for you as a kid, but it's not nearly as funny when you are an adult who is incompetent.
4. Don't smoke cedar bark in a tree-house.
5. Don't clean your ears with the eraser of a pencil while you are at school. Erasers are inclined to snap off in your ear, and your mother will be called to retrieve the eraser from your ear. (I'm not gonna lie, it took me three visits from my mom at the school before I learned this one. That woman is handy with a paper clip like Nobody's business, she really should have been an ENT)
6. Playing the pass-out game at school is lame, but it is even lamer if you are the fat kid who noone is strong enough to catch after you pass out.
7. Eating bowls of melted cheese makes you gain weight.
8. Slathering baby oil on your body and then falling asleep in the sun may cause second degree burns, and probably skin cancer 20 years later.
9. Turning the jets on in a bath tub is dangerous if you have really long hair. Your hair can get sucked into the jets and pull your head under water...atleast it can in France.
10. An old man traveling Europe with six fifteen-year-old female students is most likely creepy.
11. Smoking is addictive.
12. Drinking impairs your judgement, making stupid teenagers even more stupid.
13. There are such things as a two way stop, even if it looks like a four way stop. Just because you have a stop sign, the people going perpendicular to you don't have to stop...and they will T-Bone and total your badass Chrystler New Yorker.
14. You have to close the "Flue" when lighting a fire in your fireplace, otherwise your dwelling will have extensive smoke damage.
15. Stationary objects will not move to accommodate you in a public parking lot. They will stay put and allow you to crash into them.
16. Anytime someone says the words, "I swear this is the last time", they are lying.
17. Cockroaches are stealthy suckers.
18. Bed bugs turn a bright red color after they have eaten. Having them show up in a hospital room where you work, causes all sorts of paranoia and further itching.
19. If you have been exposed to scabies you have to put a nasty pesticide cream on your entire body for 8 hours, whether you contracted it or not. It's even less fun when you are allergic to almost all things topical.
20. Working at a children's psych ward exposes you to lots of freaky germs and bugs. Business Administration is totally the way to go!
19. Casinos are pretty and shiny, but they will rob you and make you feel stupid.
20. There is a difference between being shown a template of a job offer at an interview, and actually being offered a job. Graciously declining a job you were never actually offered is...humiliating.
21. Don't jump a four foot fence at a coed softball game in cheap jeans when you are 200lbs. You may clear the fence, but your jeans may not be as fortunate and my split from zipper to knee, causing your predominantly male team to mock you profusely.
22. If you leave your car door unlocked with your purse sitting on the passengers seat, it will get stolen.
23. Honda Civics are prone to break-ins (I think we are up to six on hubby's car)
24. Throwing a carton of eggs on the floor to emphasize frustration takes hours to properly clean. Damn Salmonella!
25. Don't laugh at a Defendant in traffic court before it's your turn to stand in front of the judge.
I'm pretty sure there are millions more lessons I have learned the hard way, but that's a pretty good sampling. I keep touching the plate to see how hot is really hot, but nine times out of ten, that sucker is hot enough to make you wish you didn't touch it. It's that one out of ten times it's not hot that keeps me going back for more.
There are many ways to learn things in life. You can read about things in books, you can study them on the internet, you can ask people questions, you can observe other people's choices and ponder where they have succeeded or failed, or you can just make all the mistakes for yourself and learn things the hard way. I am that last one. When I was growing up my mother would call me "Create a Crisis" (that's right mom, I remember that!)because there was always some crisis surrounding me that needed fixing. She was right, I created a bunch of drama for myself and those around me often. The bad thing about learning things the hard way is that it generally hurts. It either hurts emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, or spiritually. The good news is, you really learn the lesson. There is no thinking you are the exception to the rule, you are the rule, and the rule hurts like a bitch. I have decided to write a list of a few things I have learned the hard way. Each thing is literal and I will do my best not to exaggerate anything. The list will begin from when I was about 8 and end as of today. Remember...these first few are from when I was a kid.
1. Shaving the hair off your belly will not keep it from coming back, despite what your sister says, in fact the few scraggily hairs you had in the first place will be replaced by blanket of course wolf-like fur.
2. When cutting a sucker stick off a sucker with craft scissors, first remove sucker from mouth, otherwise you when the stick finally snaps, the scissors won't stop but will continue through the lips. Oh, and mouth wounds bleed alot.
3. You may think you are being clever and crafty by manipulating people to do your chores for you as a kid, but it's not nearly as funny when you are an adult who is incompetent.
4. Don't smoke cedar bark in a tree-house.
5. Don't clean your ears with the eraser of a pencil while you are at school. Erasers are inclined to snap off in your ear, and your mother will be called to retrieve the eraser from your ear. (I'm not gonna lie, it took me three visits from my mom at the school before I learned this one. That woman is handy with a paper clip like Nobody's business, she really should have been an ENT)
6. Playing the pass-out game at school is lame, but it is even lamer if you are the fat kid who noone is strong enough to catch after you pass out.
7. Eating bowls of melted cheese makes you gain weight.
8. Slathering baby oil on your body and then falling asleep in the sun may cause second degree burns, and probably skin cancer 20 years later.
9. Turning the jets on in a bath tub is dangerous if you have really long hair. Your hair can get sucked into the jets and pull your head under water...atleast it can in France.
10. An old man traveling Europe with six fifteen-year-old female students is most likely creepy.
11. Smoking is addictive.
12. Drinking impairs your judgement, making stupid teenagers even more stupid.
13. There are such things as a two way stop, even if it looks like a four way stop. Just because you have a stop sign, the people going perpendicular to you don't have to stop...and they will T-Bone and total your badass Chrystler New Yorker.
14. You have to close the "Flue" when lighting a fire in your fireplace, otherwise your dwelling will have extensive smoke damage.
15. Stationary objects will not move to accommodate you in a public parking lot. They will stay put and allow you to crash into them.
16. Anytime someone says the words, "I swear this is the last time", they are lying.
17. Cockroaches are stealthy suckers.
18. Bed bugs turn a bright red color after they have eaten. Having them show up in a hospital room where you work, causes all sorts of paranoia and further itching.
19. If you have been exposed to scabies you have to put a nasty pesticide cream on your entire body for 8 hours, whether you contracted it or not. It's even less fun when you are allergic to almost all things topical.
20. Working at a children's psych ward exposes you to lots of freaky germs and bugs. Business Administration is totally the way to go!
19. Casinos are pretty and shiny, but they will rob you and make you feel stupid.
20. There is a difference between being shown a template of a job offer at an interview, and actually being offered a job. Graciously declining a job you were never actually offered is...humiliating.
21. Don't jump a four foot fence at a coed softball game in cheap jeans when you are 200lbs. You may clear the fence, but your jeans may not be as fortunate and my split from zipper to knee, causing your predominantly male team to mock you profusely.
22. If you leave your car door unlocked with your purse sitting on the passengers seat, it will get stolen.
23. Honda Civics are prone to break-ins (I think we are up to six on hubby's car)
24. Throwing a carton of eggs on the floor to emphasize frustration takes hours to properly clean. Damn Salmonella!
25. Don't laugh at a Defendant in traffic court before it's your turn to stand in front of the judge.
I'm pretty sure there are millions more lessons I have learned the hard way, but that's a pretty good sampling. I keep touching the plate to see how hot is really hot, but nine times out of ten, that sucker is hot enough to make you wish you didn't touch it. It's that one out of ten times it's not hot that keeps me going back for more.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Santa is just self-conscious
I realized this year I am too dumb to be Santa. My children are inquisitive and observant and I'm starting to think....smarter than I am. It all began at the mall with Luke. "Mom, who is that guy in a Santa Suit?" I replied, "Well buddy, who do you think he is? Do you think he is one of Santa's Helpers, or just some creepy dude who doesn't have a job?" He answered, "A creepy dude who doesn't have a job?" Since he wasn't completely convinced I had a small chance to explain why there is a grown ass man having children he doesn't know sit on his lap in a costume. Sounds like a pedophile's dream job personally and I hate Mall Santa's. I had a moral dilemma. Do I express my distain for creepy mall santa's, or do I use some quick thinking and diffuse the situation? Since I think I maybe have one or two years left for Luke to believe in Santa I threw out the first lie of the season. "Well Luke, it's true, that's not santa, but he is actually a man who takes the information the kids give him and sends off an email to Santa about what everyone asked for." I am such a genius baby! Woot Woot. Luke eyes me suspiciously and says "cant you email just as easily as that guy can?" SHIT!! "Uh, yeah, but santa is super busy and only wants to have to read the emails from his helpers, wow look how awesome that plastic dog in Old Navy is, lets go look at it." That was my first mistake this Christmas. The most recent mistake is even worse. This one came from Claire. "Mom, I want to sleep under the tree so I can see Santa when he comes." Luke adds, "Yeah, he'd just go back up the chimney if he saw us right?" I have only a couple seconds to think of my response, Luke went back to playing his video game and only Claire waited for my response..."Claire, he doesn't want anyone to see him. If you are near the fireplace then he won't even come in". "But mom, why doesn't he want to be seen?" If I could have a redo of my response I would take it in an instant. It is to this day one of the stupidest things I have ever said to my children. "Well Claire, he doesn't want anyone to see him because he is so fat. He doesn't want people to make fun of him" "She responded with a slew of comments about all the fat people she loves (myself included) and how she would never make fun of him. The reason my daughter thinks Santa doesn't let you see him is because he is self conscious about his weight. DAMNIT. It couldn't be because it makes him lose his magical powers, or because he loves children so much that he would be tempted to play with their new toys with them and the other kids wouldn't get their toys in time. She thinks it is because he is fat. I really wish there would be a book that parents could read to prepare us for all the secrets we need to keep from our kids. I am a HORRIBLE liar. And If I were Santa I'd feel a little self conscious, and lets face it, how does he get that huge body up an itty bitty chimney. Why cant we make up characters whose super powers are slightly more believable. I gotta start reading up on St. Patricks day so I don't say something stupid about how leprechauns don't like to be seen because they are self conscious about their height!
Pierced my nose re-post
I posted this right after my 30th birthday, but due to the negative comments about it I pulled it from my blog. I have made it less offensive and less dramatic to appease a few people, but I like the post and this is my effing blog and I can post whatever I want. So here it is...again
PIERCING MY NOSE
Yesterday was the day. The last three months have taken a major toll on my psyche. My new antidepressant is phenomenal at minimizing my anxiety and depression. Unfortunately I still have feelings and since I don't feel anxious or depressed I have created a fallback emotion. Rebellious. I am so tired of being what people expect me to be. I figured being a little obnoxious, caustic, cynical and foul-mouthed was rebellious enough for the past 30 years, but it's just not cutting the cheese anymore. I have experienced enough change in this past year that I have had to start from ground zero and figure out who I am. My parents divorced after 40 years of marriage, my only sister who i love with every fiber of my being moved to London for atleast 3 years; both of these devastating changes came right around the time of my 30th birthday.. So what do you do when your entire family as you know it collapses and you are depressed about turning 30? You pierce your nose duh! Not only do you pierce your nose, but you take every penny you have in your checking account and lose it all on a blackjack table at the local casino. While at that Blackjack table you break down and have a Bloody Mary. Then you drive home a couple drinks later, only to pass three separate cop cars and get pulled over for driving drunk. Hmmmmm, which is going to piss my husband off more...losing the money, piercing the nose, drinking, or the DWI. This is the part where I say screw it all and I hide in my jail cell until I am finally freed. I take a bus home (after charming the bus driver to drive me for free since I don't have a penny after losing it all to Jessica the luckiest damn dealer at the Turning Stone Casino). I get home, don't tell my husband about any of it, and take our Unregistered Honda Pilot to Canada where I hide until my mother tracks me down because my husband rats me out to her and knows she will lay the guilt on thick. I look at my gnarly guilt ridden face in the rear view mirror of my pilot and realize my life is truly jacked but damn my nose ring looks good. This is precisely how my night started last night. Fortunately for me when the Beer Wench at the Casino came along I said no to the Bloody Mary, because for me there is no such thing as one drink. Just like there is no such thing as one doughnut either. That one choice, the one to not drink erased the rest of the night I may have had. There was no DWI, no jail, no Canada. I made my fair share of mistakes last night however and it was a huge wakeup call. I realized I need to start anew. Turning 30 means I can't dink around and pity myself anymore, I spose I will have to be a grown up now. I am glad now that I didn't pierce my nose....but who really knows what tomorrow brings.
PIERCING MY NOSE
Yesterday was the day. The last three months have taken a major toll on my psyche. My new antidepressant is phenomenal at minimizing my anxiety and depression. Unfortunately I still have feelings and since I don't feel anxious or depressed I have created a fallback emotion. Rebellious. I am so tired of being what people expect me to be. I figured being a little obnoxious, caustic, cynical and foul-mouthed was rebellious enough for the past 30 years, but it's just not cutting the cheese anymore. I have experienced enough change in this past year that I have had to start from ground zero and figure out who I am. My parents divorced after 40 years of marriage, my only sister who i love with every fiber of my being moved to London for atleast 3 years; both of these devastating changes came right around the time of my 30th birthday.. So what do you do when your entire family as you know it collapses and you are depressed about turning 30? You pierce your nose duh! Not only do you pierce your nose, but you take every penny you have in your checking account and lose it all on a blackjack table at the local casino. While at that Blackjack table you break down and have a Bloody Mary. Then you drive home a couple drinks later, only to pass three separate cop cars and get pulled over for driving drunk. Hmmmmm, which is going to piss my husband off more...losing the money, piercing the nose, drinking, or the DWI. This is the part where I say screw it all and I hide in my jail cell until I am finally freed. I take a bus home (after charming the bus driver to drive me for free since I don't have a penny after losing it all to Jessica the luckiest damn dealer at the Turning Stone Casino). I get home, don't tell my husband about any of it, and take our Unregistered Honda Pilot to Canada where I hide until my mother tracks me down because my husband rats me out to her and knows she will lay the guilt on thick. I look at my gnarly guilt ridden face in the rear view mirror of my pilot and realize my life is truly jacked but damn my nose ring looks good. This is precisely how my night started last night. Fortunately for me when the Beer Wench at the Casino came along I said no to the Bloody Mary, because for me there is no such thing as one drink. Just like there is no such thing as one doughnut either. That one choice, the one to not drink erased the rest of the night I may have had. There was no DWI, no jail, no Canada. I made my fair share of mistakes last night however and it was a huge wakeup call. I realized I need to start anew. Turning 30 means I can't dink around and pity myself anymore, I spose I will have to be a grown up now. I am glad now that I didn't pierce my nose....but who really knows what tomorrow brings.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Holiday Spirit
I have had a blog in mind for the past couple of days. I was going to write a really cynical something about how rude and pushy and inconsiderate people have been this Christmas season. The post was going to be witty, have the word jerk and freak at least five times. It was going to be pointed and yes, offensive. I was going to end the whole thing with a bit about my husband and what a pain in the ass he is. But I learned something today that has completely obliterated my desire to be offensive, or cynical or critical. I got a call from my friend Amanda telling me that a friend of mine has just found out that her husband has stage 3 Lymphoma. They are in their early 30's. They have three small children under the age of five. They are outstanding people, stalwart in the church and community. They are the kind of people I have forgotten exist. This holiday season while I have been complaining about my husbands lack of appreciation for his gifts, on the other side of the country another family is trying to survive; grieving, hoping, and praying. I think of how selfish I am, how I think my problems are the end of the world, and I am ashamed at my lack of perspective. Devastation is one phone call away. It could be my mother, brother, husband, sister, friend or child who has experienced tragedy. This post is not meant to depress, but is more to apologize. I know that my blog is sarcastic, offensive, and according to my sister...highly dramatized. I have critiqued and picked apart the actions of my husband and friends, and claimed I have learned who I am. I have been wrong (though I'm not promising to stop). I haven't learned who I am yet because life is ever changing. We are tested, tried and constantly challenged. While I have been distracted by the little annoying tests in life, others have lost loved ones and have endured with grace. I haven't paid any attention though, too much "learning about myself", which is code for ignoring others in need to whine about why I am unhappy. My prayers go out to Heidi and her family. I am praying for a Christmas miracle for them, because they deserve it. This Christmas I will quit thinking about what I have lost and better appreciate what I have.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I SHRUNK THE SHRINK
I got a call from my mom last night and she had the most bizarre news for me I have had in a really long time. You see, when I was a Senior in High School I was bulimic to the point where I had to be institutionalized to bring my electrolites back into balance. I was at the Center for Change for two months under the care of a Psychologist by the name of Dr. Harold Frost. I'm kind of a tough nut to crack so our therapy sessions were anti-climatic and completely unhelpful. Visualizing rainbows and rivers and building self esteem. It was all bullshit in my opinion but I had to go to Therapy twice a week regardless. There was no deep dark abuse to uncover, no pervy uncle, no Post Traumatic Stress, I just liked to eat without gaining weight. Our therapy sessions turned into more of a gossip session, he would tell me about how jacked the other girls were, which ones had attempted suicide etc. It was fascinating. He tried to hypnotize me a couple times to "Uncover my past" but the whole time he was trying to get my mind to submit to him I was thinking about what a crock of shit he was. I mean really, he sits in a super comfy chair across from pretty girls, talks about what makes them sad and then hugs them with a groan of satisfaction(pervy bastard). For all of this fantastic treatment he gets $25k. So when my mom asked me last night if I had ever been hypnotized by this man I chuckled and responded not really. He had tried, but I was on to his garbage from the start. The reason she asked me was because he has allegedly lost his medical license for planting false memories into his patients. Under hypnosis he had convinced several women that they had been part of a cult that sacrificed babies and had satanic rituals. WOW!!! People had come in with minor Psychological problems and he had filled their minds with an entire false past! At last my skepticism has paid off. My parents wasted $25k for therapy I never received because I shrunk the shrink. Ultimately shrinking the shrink may have saved my mind from his bizarre contamination. Weird.
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