Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"The Hard Way"

"Ma'm, be careful the plate's hot"...."I will not touch the plate, I will not touch the plate, I will not....There's no way that plate is hot enough to warrant a verbal warning, it's not even steaming...I will not touch the plate, I will not touch the plate...I bet it isn't really THAT hot...I will not touch the plate...I will not touch the...I'm totally gonna prove this hillbilly waitress wrong...Son of a bitch!! That plate is Hot!"
There are many ways to learn things in life. You can read about things in books, you can study them on the internet, you can ask people questions, you can observe other people's choices and ponder where they have succeeded or failed, or you can just make all the mistakes for yourself and learn things the hard way. I am that last one. When I was growing up my mother would call me "Create a Crisis" (that's right mom, I remember that!)because there was always some crisis surrounding me that needed fixing. She was right, I created a bunch of drama for myself and those around me often. The bad thing about learning things the hard way is that it generally hurts. It either hurts emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, or spiritually. The good news is, you really learn the lesson. There is no thinking you are the exception to the rule, you are the rule, and the rule hurts like a bitch. I have decided to write a list of a few things I have learned the hard way. Each thing is literal and I will do my best not to exaggerate anything. The list will begin from when I was about 8 and end as of today. Remember...these first few are from when I was a kid.

1. Shaving the hair off your belly will not keep it from coming back, despite what your sister says, in fact the few scraggily hairs you had in the first place will be replaced by blanket of course wolf-like fur.

2. When cutting a sucker stick off a sucker with craft scissors, first remove sucker from mouth, otherwise you when the stick finally snaps, the scissors won't stop but will continue through the lips. Oh, and mouth wounds bleed alot.

3. You may think you are being clever and crafty by manipulating people to do your chores for you as a kid, but it's not nearly as funny when you are an adult who is incompetent.

4. Don't smoke cedar bark in a tree-house.

5. Don't clean your ears with the eraser of a pencil while you are at school. Erasers are inclined to snap off in your ear, and your mother will be called to retrieve the eraser from your ear. (I'm not gonna lie, it took me three visits from my mom at the school before I learned this one. That woman is handy with a paper clip like Nobody's business, she really should have been an ENT)

6. Playing the pass-out game at school is lame, but it is even lamer if you are the fat kid who noone is strong enough to catch after you pass out.

7. Eating bowls of melted cheese makes you gain weight.

8. Slathering baby oil on your body and then falling asleep in the sun may cause second degree burns, and probably skin cancer 20 years later.

9. Turning the jets on in a bath tub is dangerous if you have really long hair. Your hair can get sucked into the jets and pull your head under water...atleast it can in France.

10. An old man traveling Europe with six fifteen-year-old female students is most likely creepy.

11. Smoking is addictive.

12. Drinking impairs your judgement, making stupid teenagers even more stupid.

13. There are such things as a two way stop, even if it looks like a four way stop. Just because you have a stop sign, the people going perpendicular to you don't have to stop...and they will T-Bone and total your badass Chrystler New Yorker.

14. You have to close the "Flue" when lighting a fire in your fireplace, otherwise your dwelling will have extensive smoke damage.

15. Stationary objects will not move to accommodate you in a public parking lot. They will stay put and allow you to crash into them.

16. Anytime someone says the words, "I swear this is the last time", they are lying.

17. Cockroaches are stealthy suckers.

18. Bed bugs turn a bright red color after they have eaten. Having them show up in a hospital room where you work, causes all sorts of paranoia and further itching.

19. If you have been exposed to scabies you have to put a nasty pesticide cream on your entire body for 8 hours, whether you contracted it or not. It's even less fun when you are allergic to almost all things topical.

20. Working at a children's psych ward exposes you to lots of freaky germs and bugs. Business Administration is totally the way to go!

19. Casinos are pretty and shiny, but they will rob you and make you feel stupid.

20. There is a difference between being shown a template of a job offer at an interview, and actually being offered a job. Graciously declining a job you were never actually offered is...humiliating.

21. Don't jump a four foot fence at a coed softball game in cheap jeans when you are 200lbs. You may clear the fence, but your jeans may not be as fortunate and my split from zipper to knee, causing your predominantly male team to mock you profusely.

22. If you leave your car door unlocked with your purse sitting on the passengers seat, it will get stolen.

23. Honda Civics are prone to break-ins (I think we are up to six on hubby's car)

24. Throwing a carton of eggs on the floor to emphasize frustration takes hours to properly clean. Damn Salmonella!

25. Don't laugh at a Defendant in traffic court before it's your turn to stand in front of the judge.

I'm pretty sure there are millions more lessons I have learned the hard way, but that's a pretty good sampling. I keep touching the plate to see how hot is really hot, but nine times out of ten, that sucker is hot enough to make you wish you didn't touch it. It's that one out of ten times it's not hot that keeps me going back for more.


Estelle said...

#1 is like a car wreck - it's awful-sounding (and worse to imagine) but you can't.....look....away. TMI, babe, TMI.

David said...

14. You have to close the "Flue" when lighting a fire in your fireplace, otherwise your dwelling will have extensive smoke damage.

You need to OPEN the flue