Friday, December 24, 2010
Santa is just self-conscious
I realized this year I am too dumb to be Santa. My children are inquisitive and observant and I'm starting to think....smarter than I am. It all began at the mall with Luke. "Mom, who is that guy in a Santa Suit?" I replied, "Well buddy, who do you think he is? Do you think he is one of Santa's Helpers, or just some creepy dude who doesn't have a job?" He answered, "A creepy dude who doesn't have a job?" Since he wasn't completely convinced I had a small chance to explain why there is a grown ass man having children he doesn't know sit on his lap in a costume. Sounds like a pedophile's dream job personally and I hate Mall Santa's. I had a moral dilemma. Do I express my distain for creepy mall santa's, or do I use some quick thinking and diffuse the situation? Since I think I maybe have one or two years left for Luke to believe in Santa I threw out the first lie of the season. "Well Luke, it's true, that's not santa, but he is actually a man who takes the information the kids give him and sends off an email to Santa about what everyone asked for." I am such a genius baby! Woot Woot. Luke eyes me suspiciously and says "cant you email just as easily as that guy can?" SHIT!! "Uh, yeah, but santa is super busy and only wants to have to read the emails from his helpers, wow look how awesome that plastic dog in Old Navy is, lets go look at it." That was my first mistake this Christmas. The most recent mistake is even worse. This one came from Claire. "Mom, I want to sleep under the tree so I can see Santa when he comes." Luke adds, "Yeah, he'd just go back up the chimney if he saw us right?" I have only a couple seconds to think of my response, Luke went back to playing his video game and only Claire waited for my response..."Claire, he doesn't want anyone to see him. If you are near the fireplace then he won't even come in". "But mom, why doesn't he want to be seen?" If I could have a redo of my response I would take it in an instant. It is to this day one of the stupidest things I have ever said to my children. "Well Claire, he doesn't want anyone to see him because he is so fat. He doesn't want people to make fun of him" "She responded with a slew of comments about all the fat people she loves (myself included) and how she would never make fun of him. The reason my daughter thinks Santa doesn't let you see him is because he is self conscious about his weight. DAMNIT. It couldn't be because it makes him lose his magical powers, or because he loves children so much that he would be tempted to play with their new toys with them and the other kids wouldn't get their toys in time. She thinks it is because he is fat. I really wish there would be a book that parents could read to prepare us for all the secrets we need to keep from our kids. I am a HORRIBLE liar. And If I were Santa I'd feel a little self conscious, and lets face it, how does he get that huge body up an itty bitty chimney. Why cant we make up characters whose super powers are slightly more believable. I gotta start reading up on St. Patricks day so I don't say something stupid about how leprechauns don't like to be seen because they are self conscious about their height!